“Be perfect as your heavenly Father is perfect” (Matthew 5:48 ESV). If you asked me to interpret this verse when I was 16, I would come up with something really methodical to say, maybe: Don’t sin or try your best. I would say that with a tone of annoyance, because I had been in Sunday school since I was 3 years old (other than my Sunday school “dark ages;” I was kicked out for a couple of months when I was 4 for head-butting the whole class, including the teacher, but I digress) and I knew exactly what answer would satisfy my teacher. If you asked me to close my eyes and interpret one word, “perfection,” soon enough my mind would travel to a dark place. See, in my past I have struggled with feeling that I needed to be perfect.
This manifested itself in many ways, including a distorted body image. Many girls my age were fixated on their physical appearance but I took that to the extreme. As my formative years progressed, my identity became rooted in how much I loathed my physical appearance. My thoughts obsessed over the fact that I did not meet my own standards of beauty. I even used this as a way to control myself.
There were many people who helped me to realize my self destruction. In fact, the first time I confessed my serious battles with self worth was with a group of Liberty girls at a movie night. It was that summer and the following year that I saw my personal darkness fade away in the light and love of Christ. Before I could take up my own cross, I had to take down my false identities. At first, it looked like a lot of angry prayers and hot tears on the bathroom floor. It seemed impossible to pull my thoughts away from my distorted identity. Then, it looked like being honest with friends, pastors, counselors, and my family about those dark thoughts and actions; a real “darkness to light” moment. Finally and most importantly, when my false identity had been rebuked, my new identity was inaugurated. The healing included accepting and embracing a new identity for myself and my life: an identity that relied on the love of Christ. Christ’s love transformed my understanding of myself, which ultimately transformed how I understood the perfection of Christ. Christ was perfect and infallible, and in salvation and sanctification I leaned on his perfection instead on my imperfections. I learned that in my weakness Christ’s strength is perfect. I accepted Paul’s words: “…your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body” (1 Corinthians 6:19-20 ESV).
See, I had an identity that relied on my own feeble notions of what “perfection” was. By the grace of God alone, when my identity shift happened in my sophomore year, my whole life changed and I depended upon God for my identity. In this identity I did not want to satisfy myself, but to satisfy and glorify God. I can’t even tell you how many times that year I read and recited Psalm 139, but I can tell you that God’s words had their way in my heart and mind. My identity was now safe in God and God loved me enough to form my innermost being, to be a wonderful work of His, to be fearfully and wonderfully made in the likeness of my God. This identity shift also freed me from always thinking of myself. Now I rest and think of how the glory of God exists in and through me by the way of salvation in Jesus Christ. My confidence no longer rests on my standards of beauty and worth, but Christ’s engulfing love and acceptance.
Psalm 139
O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O Lord, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7 Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, “Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,”
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
By: Raychel E
Twitter/Instagram: @RaychelNYC